try

Monday, October 24, 2011 9:51 PM

People say that one must keep trying and give in their best. When God has something in store for you he will give you signs. So try you must always.

And here I have been trying , trying, tying, trying and trying and more trying. And dear God keeps testing me. And I fail and I try again. All through thinking that it shouldn’t be that, tomorrow I feel, I should have a tried a little more.

So now I have come to realize. That maybe this is God's sign to me. This is his will that despite my efforts, it may not happen. It never will materialise. This is God's way of telling me that will never be. And as they say… maybe I am trying a little too hard.

So I need to give up now. For the simple reason that I have no guilt of not having tried enough, or that I gave up early. Moreover, everytime we get some hope, our spirits go 2 steps up. And when it breaks, we fall 4 steps down. And with every new hope (just because we havent given up trying), we lose that hope and fall further down from wher we were.

This is self destruction. And I have no choice of life, but to live. So might as well give up, and give up hope. So living becomes easier, and I remain where I am. I have no strength to fall anymore.

Just this mere acceptance of fat that this thing is not meant to be, and I must let it be, is all I need to have a calm life.

But this acceptance itself is an acceptance of defeat. Against my nature, that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make it there, where many others of possibly less calibre that me did. And that thought has to go.

I must accspt, that I am not meant to be. That afterall I am a loser. That I had too much faith in me. And God that things cant go wrong with me. I havent hurt anyone, and havent done any such thing that maybe wrong or harmful to others. I have given my true best in certain things, and they will be. God will be good to me.

I now need to accpt that fact. I really am a loser. And I need to face it and live with it with a calm indifferent demeanor. Again, feeling sad about it wont make anything better, no ?

So loser I am. So what may are. I just thought I was different. The difference killed me. And I am not sad aboput it. I don’t want to be sad about it anymore. With every passing day I am being numb, and more numb.

I will very soon lose all traces of emotion in me. The furthermore losing of me. And now I want to lose me real soo. So I forget who I was. What I'd thought I'd be.

I just want to be a lost me, and not be found. With my head high, and emotions down.

i write , i do not hope

Thursday, February 16, 2012 5:34 PM
now is the time when i want to lose all hopes.

hopes only seem to be bringing in more despair. And there's very little that i can take at this point in time. i have surpassed all thresholds of losses now.

i am a little sad now.

i was always a fairly self content person. Success in other peoples life did not evoke jealousy of any kind. I have been of the thought process that they are getting what's their share and i should not be affected as long as its not anything that belongs to me is being taken away. I will get when my time comes.

Although, i have been restless and sad at times waiting for my time to come. When good things happened in other peoples lives i would either be sad or neutral, but never upset about it in anyway.

But nowadays, and a very recent nowadays of about 2 months i have started to feel sad and empty about the missing things in life. Not things actually. 

I miss being married. I have suddenly started craving for a companion who is more substantial and real and where theres surety of the relationship.  I have always been the one who takes care of people and they last in phases as they come and go. Now when i do that for someone i do it with a pang that why am i doing all this. it wont last, the person wont stay. And i want it more real than this. Even if i am getting the care in return, i no longer want it and be content with the fact that at least i am living this while it lasts. I am more worried in my head that this all so superficial.

I want to be married now. Keeping aside all the cons that marriage brings along.

I have never been too fond of children / babies. I mean i don't dislike them, but i haven't felt the motherly urge in me like many other girls / women do. But now i feel like having one of my own. I want to experience motherhood. Maybe its just a passing fancy right now, but i sort of crave for it.

I guess this also is a part of my feeling and longing for a surety and a more promising life.

But where i see myself right now, there isn't the faintest of hope and sign of me finding "my" someone. A baby is a far off cry.

All those vaguely possible ones with whom i could think a life with are now all gone and in the process of settling down. They found their someones in somebody else but me. Actually, even those with whom i didn't see a future it was a condolence to know that we stand in the same place and situation. And so whatever little hope i was left with has now gone, and i dont want to hope no more. Hoping and losing is worse than not getting anything at all. I don't even want to wait for anything. I want to a blank head and blind to tomorrow and the next hour for that matter.

to be...

Wednesday, April 08, 2011 2:53 PM

****************************** 
I wish sometimes…… 
I wish giving up on life was easy 
I wish it was easy to be weak 
I wish it was fine to let go 
    To let go of hopes 
    To let go of people 
    To let go of oneself 
    To let go of trying and trying and trying

I wish it was easy to fail and not try again 
    To lose and not fight again 
To be heartbroken and not love again 
    To have been crying and not smile again

What would I be, had life been so easy

******************************

Maybe

- Tuesday, December 9, 2008 12:00 PM

Maybe i expected a lot from life

I hoped that my hard put efforts would someday fruit

In the end i got nothing. Almost as good as nothing.

I have pretty much lost my beleif in efforts.

I have a stronger opinion that "whatever happens, happens for good" is NOT acceptable or logical and in my case not possible either.

I strived and strived and really did strive for two things in the past 3-4 years. Put in a lot of hard work and persistence..

Eventually i almost got both things the same day... One, i love the way my efforts resulted. 

But with fate and turn of things i cant take it and cant go ahead with it.

Such a loss...Second, i dont really like what's fallen in my kitty. I see bad future going ahead with it. 

I see me losing a lot of things i like. I see Me losing Me completely.

But as fate will, i will be getting it and maybe living with it for sometime to come untill faith and patience and losing has had its toll.

Untill then I may not know the new me...Others may not know the real me...And maybe I will never be Me ever again....Maybe