i write , i do not hope

Thursday, February 16, 2012 5:34 PM
now is the time when i want to lose all hopes.

hopes only seem to be bringing in more despair. And there's very little that i can take at this point in time. i have surpassed all thresholds of losses now.

i am a little sad now.

i was always a fairly self content person. Success in other peoples life did not evoke jealousy of any kind. I have been of the thought process that they are getting what's their share and i should not be affected as long as its not anything that belongs to me is being taken away. I will get when my time comes.

Although, i have been restless and sad at times waiting for my time to come. When good things happened in other peoples lives i would either be sad or neutral, but never upset about it in anyway.

But nowadays, and a very recent nowadays of about 2 months i have started to feel sad and empty about the missing things in life. Not things actually. 

I miss being married. I have suddenly started craving for a companion who is more substantial and real and where theres surety of the relationship.  I have always been the one who takes care of people and they last in phases as they come and go. Now when i do that for someone i do it with a pang that why am i doing all this. it wont last, the person wont stay. And i want it more real than this. Even if i am getting the care in return, i no longer want it and be content with the fact that at least i am living this while it lasts. I am more worried in my head that this all so superficial.

I want to be married now. Keeping aside all the cons that marriage brings along.

I have never been too fond of children / babies. I mean i don't dislike them, but i haven't felt the motherly urge in me like many other girls / women do. But now i feel like having one of my own. I want to experience motherhood. Maybe its just a passing fancy right now, but i sort of crave for it.

I guess this also is a part of my feeling and longing for a surety and a more promising life.

But where i see myself right now, there isn't the faintest of hope and sign of me finding "my" someone. A baby is a far off cry.

All those vaguely possible ones with whom i could think a life with are now all gone and in the process of settling down. They found their someones in somebody else but me. Actually, even those with whom i didn't see a future it was a condolence to know that we stand in the same place and situation. And so whatever little hope i was left with has now gone, and i dont want to hope no more. Hoping and losing is worse than not getting anything at all. I don't even want to wait for anything. I want to a blank head and blind to tomorrow and the next hour for that matter.